It’s been 10 years since our marriage and time really seems to have gone past very fast. Many people when asked, how long have you been married, immediately answer – x looonng years, with a lot of stress on the long.
Why do couples feel this way? What is not working for them, which is stressing them out a little?
I have also heard many say ‘You and your husband are different’ we are not like you guys. I kept thinking what is it that we do differently that we have sustained our love for each other from the start.
Our 10th anniversary day gave me this answer loud and clear. I am a super excited enthusiastic person and my husband is the opposite. But he is funny and makes everyone around laugh; he is more grounded than I am. One thing that is common between us is we bring happiness to the people around us and to us as well.
I have known him for the past 17 years. Nothing has changed except for some grey hair for both of us. We have remained the same friends whom we were since the time we have met. The only thing that brought us into marriage was also our comfort as friends. He has never done anything different for me before marriage. He was himself and I myself. Few things I really think we did well from our experience of 10 years in marriage are here, these are not yardsticks for everyone to follow, but might just be good to know 🙂
- Being yourself: I have known and seen people going out of their way to do things for their girlfriend or boyfriend just to make the relationship stronger in the start. Remember one thing, anything we do in a relationship needs to be sustainable. If we choose to go out of our way to do something all the time, we might never be able to continue this for a lifetime.
- Trust: As a coach, I know the importance of trust in a coaching relationship. The coachee needs to trust me to have a meaningful coaching conversation. I trust my husband blindly. I know we will never do anything that either of us will feel sorry about later. This is a key element in any relationship.
- Giving Space: When it’s a marriage relationship, it does not mean we always need to stay on each other’s head. Giving space is important. We have never seen each other’s watsapp messages or emails or anything that’s personal to us. We respect each other’s space.
- Marrying a family: Both of us believe we married a family and not a person. When this thought is strong it means have accepted each other’s family as a whole. There might be a difference in opinion steaming from other family members, but we as a couple try to overcome it.
- Both are equal: In most relationships, I have noticed one person takes the upper hand on everything and the other person has to listen. Most times the listener is ok but we will never know when this can become a problem too. Equality does not mean I cook one day and then you cook one day or I earn and you cook. NO! It comes purely from the thinking. Thinking that we are equal enables us to give and take subconsciously rather than consciously. One a day I am tired and I don’t cook food he understands that one another day when I don’t cook purely because I am bored he understands that too.
- Team Work: Once in a marriage, then its no more about the individual, it’s a team. When I say teamwork does not mean losing individual goals and aspirations behind – it’s believing that as a team we can achieve individual goals. This thought process allows the couple to bend wherever required for the other person.
- Financials: I have coached few people on their relationship goals and what I have come across is this common statement ‘Each of us earns for us, we have common spends and each takes care of few expenses at home. I am also contributing to the family financially and I want to be financially independent.’ One thing I have noticed about this thought process is it somewhere deep down, it brings a divide unconsciously. Financials in a relationship can be a reason for parting too, so need to be aware.
- Be a good listener: In any relationship listening deeply is important. When I mean deep listening, it’s not that we need to sit next to our partner and have keep listening attentively. Listen to everything that is told and untold too. It’s a function of the heart more than that of the ears. Our intuition will always guide us in the right path.
- Empathy: I am learning NVC (Nonviolent Communication). It’s just amazing how in NVC, both the parties needs and feelings are kept in mind during the conversation. I have noticed this being done by my husband without really knowing about it. He really can understand what’s going on inside me and communicate accordingly. Between couples, this is really required. If we can communicate keeping both the persons needs and feeling in mind there can never be a case of disagreement.
These are just things that I have noticed about our marriage, it has helped us to stay away from any fights so far.
I am using this blog to share my gratitude to my husband who has been my pillar of strength. If he did not allow me to be myself, I could have never been who I am today. Thank you, Ravi!